Every Friday is date day for my husband and me. It’s a decision we make in advance.
Learning to make advance decisions can be one of the best strategies for protecting your marriage and keeping it a priority. In 28 years of marriage, Barb and I have learned that we need to decide in advance how we will give time, protection, and investment to our marriage. If we don’t make those decisions, the frantic pace of life will eventually erode the love and commitment we have.
Scheduling dates is one decision every married couple should make. If you have dates on your calendar for the next three to four months, you are assured that you will take time to play together, have fun together, and carry on a conversation on a regular basis without the interruption of your children. If you’ve never done this before, sit down together with a calendar and put a big heart on the days you will plan for some time together. If your children are young, arrange for a sitter about one month in advance. And don’t worry about dates needing to cost a lot of money; we’re not talking dinner and a movie every time. A date can be something as simple as taking a walk together or having a picnic in the park. Sometimes ours is just sitting on the porch in our rockers and having an uninterrupted conversation over a glass of wine. What’s most important is that you take time to laugh, talk, and play together.
Scheduling getaways is another decision every married couple should make. Once or twice a year, set aside time for a 24-48 hour getaway for just the two of you. Can grandma watch the kids? Can you trade childcare with another couple? With a date on the calendar, the details are ready to be determined and the plans are put in place. This time away is essential for couples to remember what it’s like to sleep until noon together or to spend the day hiking trails. This is when you take the time to do things like bike trails, museums, or taking in a ball game together like you did when you were dating. (Side note: Barb and I take turns planning our wedding anniversaries as surprise getaways and we make at least one trip a year to WaltDisney World in Florida.)
Scheduling intimacy is a third decision married couples should make…especially couples with kids. Too often we expect physical intimacy to always be spontaneous, but in a life with children the pace is frantic and the exhaustion is constant. Spontaneity happens occasionally, but not often enough for a healthy love life. Smart couples who make a commitment to a regular schedule of intimacy find this advance decision is one of the best decisions they make for their marriage. For the person with a higher desire for intimacy, it assures them sex will happen. For the partner with a lesser desire for intimacy, it builds anticipation and helps them prepare mentally and physically for the time together. BTW, the greatest mechanical sexual device ever invented is the lock on the bedroom door:)
Finally, setting boundaries for interacting with members of the opposite sex is a fourth decision every couple should make. This is one of the most important decisions to make because it protects the marriage relationship.
Temptation often happens when we least expect it, and if we haven’t put boundaries in place---making up our minds in advance on decisions about interacting with the opposite sex---you may find yourselves drawn to someone other than your spouse. Smart couples commit to avoiding alone time with anyone of the opposite sex.
They agree to draw some lines that recognize the possibilities of temptation and intentionally place distance between someone of the opposite sex.
Too often, we move through life without much intentionality, and then we pay a hefty price down the road. What goals do you have for your marriage? Do you want it to last a lifetime? Do you want to enjoy the season of raising children together? Answer those questions and then make advance decisions that will turn your goals into reality. A little bit of planning and intentional investment can go a long way to make your dreams of life-long love come true.
Jill Savage is the Founder and CEO of Hearts at Home (www.heartsathome.org), an organization for moms. The author of seven books including My Heart’s at Home and Living With Less So Your Family Has More, Jill blogs about family, marriage, and parenting at www.jillsavage.org
Here’s a note from me: You will either have a marriage that just happens, usually with unpleasant results or you will have an intentional marriage...an on-purpose-marriage...a conscious marriage. Our marriage is not terrific because it just worked out that way, it is is terrific because we make it that way.
You can, too, no matter where yours is today.
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